“Get Over It” is a Symptom, Not a Strategy

As encouraging words go, there are MUCH better alternatives than “get over it.” I have often thought that this dismissive, shame-filled approach only begets more of the same negativity it seeks to destroy. But there’s more to it than that.

I have had people tell me I should “get over” many things, such as childhood trauma and even the death of my mother. I’ve seen them act as if this insult, this sheer rudeness, is somehow helpful, as they smile in my face and say things like “you just have to think positive!” and “sometimes you just have to put your big girl panties on!” These folks have no clue how infuriating I find this “advice” because I just try not to respond…

…and yet, I find myself this midnight thinking about how these people have likely never processed the trauma and grief lying in their own pasts. They may have been raised in families whose mindset was to forget, to pretend bad things never happened. They may have blocked out their own remembered horrors to be able to function. They may not have had access to proper mental healthcare, or may have been taught that seeking such care was “weak” or “shameful.” And in trying to help me, they unwittingly pass on the bad advice they’ve been given, because it’s all they’ve known, and they don’t know another way to operate.

I have been so angry at these people for so long—years, in some cases—for being so hurtful and rude during times of suffering. But I didn’t think what worlds of grief might lie behind their chipper “positive” advice, what scabbed wounds may hide below their pleasant personas. What if “get over it” and other such phrases are a signal that someone has never been heard, that they’ve never been allowed freedom to give their feelings and experiences voice?

I believe I am right, that dismissive words indicate that someone has unheard needs or suppressed hurts. And as angry as I have been before, compassion for that unacknowledged suffering floods in to replace it. Healing can’t take place if the wound is not treated, and temporary bandages like addictions, relationships, travel, and career choices only help so much. What if the real answer to much of the craziness we see in the world today is truly listening to others, meeting them with kindness and willingness to hear their stories when we see this symptom arise?

I do realize this isn’t applicable for every scenario we may encounter, as not everyone is ready for deep conversations and life-changing talks. But I do think lives could change around us if we just left the conversational door open for stories, for memories, for pain and shame to flee and leave behind a spirit free of that unspoken burden at last.

Challenge: Seeing Greatness in Everyone

What if we treated every person we meet as a great person, someone capable of doing wonderful and amazing things?

What if, instead of dismissing their ideas, interests, dreams, and goals as silly or unimportant, we encouraged them to pursue and explore those things, even if we don’t quite understand them yet?

What if we believed that each person we meet had a purpose to fulfill, despite any shortcomings or failures that we observe or assume?

What if we believed that each person we meet is trying their best, even if their best doesn’t look like ours?

What if we looked for ways to help someone advance in their life, career, or personal growth, without shaming or insulting them for not knowing beforehand?

How would that change our interactions?

How would that change our view of humanity?

I think it could possibly change the world.

How to Not Shut Others Down

We must remember this for critiques, criticisms and judgments in the future: statements shut others down, questions lift them up.

It doesn’t matter what you’re critiquing or how bad you think it is. If you ask questions, you’re helping someone else build and refine their dream. But if you just look at someone’s work and dismiss it, saying “oh, that’s absolute garbage,” then you’re just shutting them down.

Note here that I’m not advocating the use of interrogation! Being interrogated sucks about as much as being shut down. Instead, ask open ended, thoughtful questions that ignite their imagination, present an exciting new viewpoint, or give them interesting new considerations to mull over. Help them explore their idea, and they will naturally improve upon it right before your eyes.

I firmly believe if we do this with everyone who comes to us for advice, we will encourage rapid and beautiful growth in them and their work. I also know from experience that if we stick to harsh and critical statements, we are stomping out their garden before it’s even begun. I know which kind of advice I’d rather receive!

Why was college the happiest time of my life?

I was reminiscing this evening on my college years (2003-2007), and it occurred to me that these were the happiest years of my life so far. But why? After all, I am engaged to a wonderful man, employed part time as a tutor, and am free to do whatever with my time otherwise. What’s so bad about today?

Well, for one thing, back then I was younger, had less chronic pain, and had had less trauma to recover from. I was also in an environment with lots of people learning and growing just like me–people who loved the creative stuff I was doing, people who were just figuring themselves out and let me be me, people who were mentoring me and encouraging me to succeed. And I was succeeding at just about everything I touched academically (well, except math, which is a lost cause with me, LOL). Most importantly, I was doing all the things I loved–writing, reading, playing music, writing music, and singing–whether anybody else liked it or not. I felt fulfilled, free, and blooming for the first time in my life, even through some heartbreaks.

Cut to today, 12 years after graduation, and the picture looks very different; despite the successes I mentioned, there are quite a few shadows. I have only just regained my freedom after a decade of locking myself in a mental and spiritual prison called fundamentalist Christianity, which I did mainly to find a place where I fit after college. I am a failed middle school teacher, a failed retail worker, a failed masters degree holder, and a failing singer, struggling with even the simplest concepts after 20 years of performing with bad habits. I am battling widespread pain, having more symptoms of PCOS, sleeping very poorly, and going to doctors’ appointments a fair number of times a year (even though it’s better than it was a few years ago). I’m utterly stymied creatively, stuck between the opposing ideas of “this is crap, no one will ever like it” and “this is too good, someone will just steal it if I show it to them.” The people I have around me are no longer in the excitement of blooming–they’re just being, or maybe struggling to just be, and meanwhile I feel like my bud got frostbitten. It sometimes feels, when I look at everyone else’s life, their happy marriages, their steady and fulfilling jobs, their kids growing up, that I am behind everyone else in the game of life, that I did something wrong.

But maybe that’s the key–because of the slower pace of my life and the physical conditions I battle, I’m forced to look at everyone else’s life, the way I didn’t at all in college. Then, I was so focused on my own blooming, and I was surrounded by others who helped in that worldview. I did what I liked with my creativity, and the opinions of others didn’t intrude into my mind as often because I knew I was successful anyway. Today I am a bit older, a bit wiser, and frankly crushed by my past failures. Sometimes I’m not so sure I have anything worthwhile to say, even on this blog, or that I make any art worthy of even being looked at. And as an “adult,” I also feel crushed by the societal pressure and financial necessity of making money with my vocation. (Back in college, I had no bills to pay, thanks to the hard work and myriad sacrifices of my parents.). It sucks to realize I might not ever be able to support myself with my physical disabilities. And it sucks more to see how much I’ve failed, how many wrong decisions I’ve made, how disappointed I am in myself. Every time I want to play the piano, write a new piece of poetry or fiction, etc., this absolute mountain of disappointment stands between me and the joy I used to find in it all. What used to feel easy now feels too difficult, pointless to even try. “Why bother? You’re just gonna fail again, like last time,” is the ever-present refrain. Even though I am very brave, I do get tired of fighting that logic after a while.

In this moment, though, I am reminded that the blooming me still exists within, underneath the failures and disappointments. I am more successful now than two years ago when I was unemployed. I am in less physical trouble than one year ago when I was severely anemic from the side effects of PCOS. I am better than I was in 2016 before I began getting PTSD therapy. I am writing again, sometimes, and I have a small writing group. I have my voice teacher who doesn’t think I’m a failure (somehow, even though I give her a hell of a time during my lessons, LOL). Occasionally I do fight to get over that mountain of disappointment to play my compositions again. AND this year has been more successful than any year before, because I’m finally turning the tide of the battle against clutter and disorganization in my house–a battle that has raged since before I was even born.

College was a happy time for me, but now I’m out here breaking generational curses, caring for my body’s new needs, and dealing with a literal ton of unfinished business…maybe that’s why I had so much time back then, and why it feels like I have so little time now. Maybe this is why I feel so frazzled–because the battle is harder than ever and there’s tons of important work being done on multiple fronts. Maybe Then was a time of discovery and self-realization, and Now is a time of clearing away so that the creative life I once thought of can be lived in full. Maybe I can be 34 and still blooming after the frost.

Holding Space

This summer has brought with it very good news and new challenges packaged with it, and it’s also been a time of massive decluttering in our house. The spare bedroom, which was once overrun with mice and stacked almost to the ceiling with stuff, is now nearly a habitable room again–all it needs is a new mattress and box spring, plus some closet cleaning and dusting.

I used to be ashamed of this room; I used to just shut the door and pretend it wasn’t a problem. But with the help of younger friends and family to move and carry things over the course of several summer work days, we soon will be able to have a guest stay the night for the first time in nearly 20 years. Every time I pass the room, I smile, even though there’s still some mileage left to go.

I’ve also been decluttering some in my heart and mind, though this has been going more slowly. Holding space open to organize my stuff is easier than holding space open to organize my thoughts! Plus I’m VERY forgetful, especially these days, and often have to relearn or be reminded of mental areas I’ve already reclaimed from the stacks of self hatred, depression, guilt, etc. Just this morning I’ve returned to a self help book that reminds me I need to hold space open for my emotions to process, too, which would be like opening up a shaken Coke…but I digress. 😂

This concept of prying open the closed spaces in my house, my mind, and my heart is frightening and yet freeing. I kinda don’t want to get into the mental and emotional stuff because I don’t know if I have the oomph to see it through…and yet all the awesome progress I see in the spare bedroom reminds me that I’ll be glad I held the space open, afterward. ❤️

Productivity and a Positive Turn

Over the last couple days, I’ve been slowly rebuilding some positive frameworks in my life. One such framework is to do one task every hour to help me feel like I’m actually getting stuff done, and it’s helping.

The key to this is my phone and its noisy reminders. I am the kind of person who does not think to look at written reminders and planners–if it doesn’t make noise at me constantly, I ain’t bothering with it, LOL! So I set a reminder to go off every hour and bug me every minute until I do something productive.

It kinda ticks me off sometimes, and I usually end up shouting “shut up!!” at the phone a few times (LOL). But that annoyance most often leads to me getting up and choosing a task from a written list I make every day. The first day I did this, I completed 15 tasks in one day!! This after two months of absolutely nothing getting done–I call that progress!

I find that this is helping with the crushing depression I’ve been suffering for a while. I hate feeling non productive, so maybe this burst of productivity will help turn things around in my head. Who would have thought an obnoxious reminder could do so much! Haha!

Dealing with Negative Opinions

Teachers, bosses, older family members, and other humans in positions of power over our lives are still just human beings, flawed and capable of bias. But it’s very easy to forget that when we are young or unsure of ourselves, and thus trust the opinion of someone seemingly “older and wiser.”

Sometimes, we hold on to these folks’ negative opinions much longer than we need to, especially when those negative opinions are about us. We hold on because we trusted them, or we may have even loved them. How could someone we love and trust lie to us about who we are, after all? Surely they spoke the truth when they told us we weren’t going to amount to anything, that we’d never be enough, that we were just bad and wrong, unfixable?

But this could not be further from the truth.

Truth is, those we trust and look up to can be cruel to us because they are jealous, intimidated by us, or just personally dislike us. There could be any number of reasons why they say and do these things, and none of them have to do with us. But especially when we are young and impressionable, it’s easy to believe these kinds of lies…which means we can find ourselves in a great deal of pain and suffering over it, even years later.

I’m currently trying to break away from similar false teachings about myself, and if you’re struggling with this same issue, I encourage you to remember this:

Others’ opinions are not fact.

It may have been a few days since “the incident,” a few months, or even a few years or decades, but I can imagine you still think about it, and it still hurts.

I’ve been there. And I want you to know you can be free of it today.

Ball that wad of opinion up and chunk it in your mental trash can, hard as you can. It means absolutely NOTHING. Not even if it came from a loved one. Not even if it came from someone who said you could trust them. If it’s hurting you, if it’s damaged how you think of yourself, if it’s holding you back, chuck it out like the rotten egg it is! Imagine that stinking opinion flying out your mental back door. Bye Felicia!!! LOL!

(It doesn’t even matter how long you’ve held on to that opinion. If you’ve never known you could be free of that garbage thought before this moment, there’s no shame in that. There’s only the impending joy of being free. Go ahead and fling it, and laugh as it flies away. ❤️)

Whew.

Been away caring for my dad after he had a second stroke on January 19th. He’s up and around on a walker again, back in physical therapy, and improving a bit every day, but it was pretty rough for a while there.

Tonight I just had a little bit to share: I am so grateful for those in my life who help me out and give me breaks, especially during this season of caregiving. I’m pretty terrible at taking care of someone–I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, not attentive enough, too worn out to do the job right. But when others give me a chance to rest or help me do a difficult task, it becomes easier. It helps so much to know I’m not having to do this all alone.

If you know someone who is caregiving, check and see what minor tasks you can help with. Even just running a load of laundry, bringing a takeout meal, or sitting with their loved one while they run errands will help.

No, I Can’t Actually “Decide to Be Happy”

Anybody else tired of seeing this utter tripe go around on social media?

This might pass for pithy wisdom about life and the mind, but to me, it teaches at least 3 very wrong and dangerous ideas about happiness and emotion in general. Here are my arguments against each one:

1: Happiness is temporary, like every emotion.  It is not meant to be a permanent condition, only a fleeting feeling, so one cannot maintain it.  This image shames people for being unable to remain in a state of happiness/positivity, but that just isn’t psychologically feasible or even possible.  Nor is it healthy to keep chasing happiness at the expense of all else.  Sometimes you will be sad, angry, afraid, etc., and the sooner you can accept those emotions as part of the human experience, the sooner you can let them pass.  Trying to be happy/positive all the time is like trying to control the weather to have only sunny days –it’s not gonna happen AND it’s not good for us in the long term.

2: Emotion is not something we can actually control with our thoughts.  You can have all the good intent in the world when you wake up, and you still won’t be able to control your emotions like this image states you should.  The truth is, emotions are affected by illness, injury, allergies, stressors from family and/or work, sleep quality, the dreams you had last night, and a lot of other factors which you can’t truly control.  This fallacy is dangerous because it suggests that feeling negative emotions is a character flaw and a choice, when it is most certainly not.

3: Shame, guilt, fear, and blame are not healthy motivators for change.  The arrogant, judgmental tone in this image is what really gets my goat–it uses these four negative emotions to get across a point about waking up positive!  How much sense does that make?  We are highly motivated by these things, which is why so many teachers and writers use them, but this mentality of “you choose to be wrong, so you should be ashamed” ultimately blights our mindsets and stunts our emotional growth.  A much healthier motivator set is acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and respect–all of which this image is sorely lacking.

Let’s not poison our 2019 with teachings that dump emotional garbage on us like this.  Let’s instead think critically about what we see and share, really dig into what others say we should believe.  Who knows, it could change our lives and our minds for the better.

P.S. For more on happiness and emotions in general, check out The Happiness Trap–I’m enjoying my read-through thus far, and it’s helped me a lot!

Love Truly

Learn how to love someone without requiring them to be completely pleasing to you first. (Including yourself.)